October breaks

There is stillness. And cold. Everything as it is, holding position. There is stillness and great planes of light touching everything.

Then, the smallest of sounds, thin and profound, almost undetectable, the crack of bonds breaking.

Now the wind is in the trees and everything comes loose.

October is hard to see. It hasn’t happened. It’s past happening. It’s there in the un-happening. The end of this. That’s where October lives.

October says to me: Open your hands. Let go of everything you can.

But I love all these things. This stuff that I have built and gathered. These ways that I have cultivated. It’s all so beautiful.

Yes. Let it go.

But how will I live without it?

You’ll be surprised how much you thought you needed, you find you don’t. Everything you choose to hold, takes work to support. Open your hands. Let it go.

The day is confettied with the no-longer necessary, all rattle and hiss, all fanfare and glee, swirl and celebration.

What’s the good of it? I wonder.

October shows me the pure strong heart of what remains.

OOO

Posted in Seasons | 4 Comments

there there

I grinned at the River Dragon. He opened his arms to me. “There there,” he said, patting my back. “There there, it’s ok, you won’t always be this happy. There there. Don’t worry.”

Giggles poured from me like strings of bubbles slipping through his whiskers and over the bright shield of his chest.

OOO

Posted in My love | Leave a comment

nothing is required of the rock

I went and found my Giant. I pressed my hand to his chest. All I wanted was to lean into his heart. All I wanted was to curl myself up there. He wrapped his hands around my shoulders and held me gently back. “You can’t rest in me,” he said. “You have to rest in you.”

So I tried that. I tucked myself into a dark embryonic curl, bathed in light. I thought I just needed to find an out-of-the-way place to keep myself apart, undisturbed. But no. It wasn’t like that. “You have to find rest in every moment of your life, as you live it. Right there.”

I sat myself up and the light and the dark swirled around and through me. “There is more to each moment than I can get my arms around. How can I rest when there’s so much going on? There’s too much.”

“How can you say there’s too much? Does the rock in the river worry over the water that doesn’t touch it?  What passes over the rock is enough to wear it smooth. Nothing is required of the rock.”

OOO

Posted in Giant | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

I was there to let him go

He came to me again last night.

I was so happy to stand in the lee of him. To walk in the same light, descend the same stairs. We made sense together. I wanted to stay beside him.

Several mornings I have woken with a sense of him, a presence large and somehow vulnerable and also, at the same time, strong. Last night, for the first time, he let me see him. Because he is so much bigger than me, I call him Giant. Because he is so valiant, I call him Hero.

He was going out into the cold and dark. He was going out from where we were together. He was going to save us.

I helped in small ways, retrieving his gloves from where they fell, working the latch on the glass door. And then he was gone and I was standing at the glass looking out into the darkness. And he was gone.

And I understood that that was what I was there for, I was there to let him go.

OOO

Posted in Giant | 1 Comment

On deck with Rebecca

The trouble with lost is you’re lost.

“Captain,” she says, repeating, “Captain.” How long has she been calling me? I am a heap of rag on the deck. The ship sails smooth through open water. Small lappings, lift and plunge. The crew have the ship in hand, there is wind in the sail, but where are we headed?

On all sides it is the same, gray water, pale sky. You could look forever and see nothing. What is there to get your bearings by?

I could sink into despair, but Rebecca is watching.

She hands me a pearl, places it into my hands, cups them around it. It is not the moon, but it remembers the moon to me. Something lifts and stirs in me, something scents the air.

Rebecca sees the change and is satisfied. “Wash up and ready yourself. Soon it will be dark and there will be stars to read.”

I am so relieved to remember the stars – the fixedness of them in this place without landmark. The reliability of them. That vast perspective.

A curl of wind drops a leaf onto the deck between us, an impossible thing, inexplicable. I lift it, rub the tenderness of it gently between my thumb and forefinger. It leaves a bright citrus smell in my hand. I give the leaf to Rebecca in exchange for the pearl. She nods, accepting. It will give hope to the crew.

Wherever we are, land is just this leaf’s journey away.

OOO

Posted in dreaming, Pirates | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

a thousand words for yes

If, as they say, education is the key, then I say
a girl needs to learn a thousand words for yes,
so that she might take them into her body
and make the world of them.

Something like this…

Yes I have an idea.
Yes listen.
Yes again.
Yes I know that it scares you, but you can trust me.
Yes this is hard, but worth it.
Yes this is scary, but good.
Yes I will think about it.
Yes that’s my decision.
Yes we will try that.
Yes I am worth it.
Yes I am worthy.
Yes I belong here.
Yes let’s try again.
Yes I am sure.
Yes this tangle has an answer.
Yes we will find it.
Yes let’s try something different.
Yes I understand what you’re saying.
Yes I can.
Yes I will.
Yes I remember.
Yes I’m listening.
Yes I am making it all up.
Yes it’s true.
Yes I know.
Yes follow me.
Yes I’ve got you.
Yes I see you.
Yes I understand.
Yes it’s confusing.
Yes it makes no sense.
Yes it’s stuck.
Yes we should change it.
Yes we can change it.
Yes let’s do.

OOO

See what they’re up to at the girleffect.org.

See what other people have to say about this.

Posted in dreaming | 4 Comments

this work in progress

The Ferryman is stretched out on the dock, hands behind his head, face to the sky. The river sings softly, laps the dock, rocks the boat in its moorings. There will be no crossing today.

I turn away, content with the quiet, and settle myself down at a sandy spot with my pocketful of rocks spilled out on the ground before me. I sort and lift and polish.

Today I will not speak at all. Today I will sit with all the bits that I’ve collected. Today I will make something lovely.

OOO

Posted in Ferryman | Leave a comment

exchange

The Ferryman is rowing hard through stormy waters. I sit tucked up tight with my head ducked away from the wind and spray. I wonder if it’s worth it to go out in all this weather. Does it make sense to make the effort, take the risk?

I keep forgetting about the Ferryman’s promise of something in exchange for this. I think of it now, and ask, “What will come to me in exchange for this crossing?”

“Sustenance,” he answers. “A strong flow of support.”

“But what good am I taking over? I have nothing with me to offer for my part.”

“You carry in you the awareness of what it’s like to not be broken. Hold that awareness against broken bits and coax them to wholeness.”

“That would be something.”

“Yes,” he said. “Yes.”

OOO

Posted in Ferryman | Tagged , | 1 Comment

no difference

I went to the Wellspring, but could not see her there where she always is.

I sat and looked out over the scrabbly ground, breathed in the scent of rock and brush and feather. The stillness of the place welled up in me, rose up through me and fountained out. And then I realized — I couldn’t see the Wellspring because we were occupying the same space, she and I, we inhabited one another.

Maybe that’s what this is, this strange lack of friction, maybe I’ve fallen into alignment and, just for as long as it lasts, everything is in sync, and so I see nothing at all.

OOO

Posted in Wellspring | Tagged , | 1 Comment

across the bridge

We cross the bridge to the other side. The Ferryman, he walks with me. Tall and unwavering, his presence helps me keep my bearings.

There is a large crowd milling about. We stop at the base of the bridge, not wanting to be swallowed up in the crush. A woman standing in front of me moans softly and protects her arm in close to her belly. “You alright?” I ask.

“Burned,” she holds her arm out for me to see a blistering sore on the tender underside of her forearm.

“Oh!” I turn my body to shield her from the buffeting crowd, lift my hands and she rests her arm in them burn side up to the air. “How did it happen?”

She tells me a long story about soup in a pot and a crying child and a muddy dog and a man who lost his shoes and a neighbor who stares into her window and never smiles. And all the while I cradle her arm in my hands and blow softly on the burn to carry the heat away, between “Oh’s” and “Ah’s” when the story calls for them.

When she comes to the end, and the last word has fallen from her mouth and there are no more words behind it, she looks down at her arm and gives a small sigh. “I didn’t realize you were a healer,” she says. “Thank you.”

“No but I—”

“It hardly hurts at all now. You’re very good.”

“No really, I—”

But already the man just beyond her has turned and is thrusting his open hand at me. “I knew this was going to be my lucky day,” he exclaims, waving his palm in front of my face like it was a winning lottery ticket. I catch it in my own hands, just to stop the waving about. There is a ragged gash across the pad of his thumb, starting to heal, but still angry.

“Ouch. That looks like it hurts.”

“Only when I laugh,” he says, which doesn’t make any sense and so makes us both laugh.

“How did you do this?” I ask, and he launches into a story involving two sisters, a man named Fred, his friend named Charley and Charley’s brother, also named Fred. There was a ballgame which somebody won but only at the last minute and some people thought it was a triumph and other people weren’t so happy about it. And there were shenanigans at a neighborhood bar, which the bartender didn’t cotton to and so it all moved outside, but the neighbors weren’t happy about the noise and some older woman, who nobody could identify for certain, dropped a flower pot down onto the heads of the revelers which pretty much put a stop to that as far as he could tell, but that’s what got the cat upset and he had to catch the cat, of course.

“Of course. So it was the cat did this?”

“No. Never did catch the cat.”

Behind me the Ferryman laughs. The man gets a surprised look on his face like he can’t believe he’d come to the end of his story and had nowhere else to go with it. He looks down at his hand which I’m still holding, mostly in self defense. “I knew this was going to be my lucky day,” he declares again. “You’ve done a bang up job on this.” He hands me a small foam ball emblazoned with the name of a team that either did or did not win. I don’t bother to protest. I take the ball and grin at him. He nods, winks and dives into the crowd.

The day goes on like that for a long time, holding people’s injuries and listening to them tell their pain away.

OOO

Posted in Ferryman | Tagged , | 2 Comments